The Invasiveness of My Neurosis

I like the chef. I believe the chef likes me.

When we are together he holds my hand, tells me I'm beautiful, strokes my hair, humours my solo dancing in public and then lets me fall asleep on his chest.

Yet, if I don't speak to him for a day or two, I start to lose my marbles. I start to imagine that he must be dating someone else. That there is no way he likes me. That it is just a matter of seconds before I receive the email or the phone call saying it is over.

If I don't get this under control, that is exactly what's going to happen.

At this moment, I am my own worst enemy.

My Three Month Hiatus Comes to a Close

Gee... I didn't plan on taking such a long break from the posting. It just kinda happened. I logged into my blogger account today for the first time and realized it has been almost three months since my last post.

Quickly, the events....

Well, only two significant ones really. First, a month long journey to a far away land. I literally went to the other side of the world for some forced isolation. I also wanted to be far away from the Ex for the anniversary of my moving out of our marital home. So that is exactly what I did. Me and a backpack, in a land where virtually no one spoke English.

When describing this adventure I am more than reluctant to call it a vacation. It was far more than a vacation. It was cathartic. It was a chance to purge my demons and look deep within myself without any of my usual distractions. It was everything I needed and more. I can't put it into words that justify the experience so I would rather leave it at this brief explanation and move along.

Significant event number two. On labour day weekend I met a great guy and guess what - he's still around. The Chef as I will refer to him is a big brute of a man with blond hair and sparkling blue eyes. His hands are at least twice the size of mine, as is the rest of him. He has a lot of great tattoos, a few piercings and a deep quiet voice. He also happens to be a philosopher and is (in my opinion) addicted to the gym.

He is not at all what I expected. He is better and he is worse. I usually end up with men who gush over me. Who fawn and make me the centre of their universe. I don't think the Chef would be capable of that even if he wanted to. I'm still not convinced he wants to...

He has a busy life. He has a beautiful seven year old daughter. She is the centre of his universe as she very well should be. He is an amazing father - a quality I find oh so endearing. He drives well over an hour early every Saturday morning to pick her up. He then drives well over an hour late on Sunday night to take her back home to her mom's.

His career, as I am sure you can appreciate, keeps him very busy as well. A typical day starts at 11 a.m. and finishes around 9 p.m. or 10 p.m. He also has a dog that depends on him for walks, food, and of course belly rubs.

This means I see very little of the Chef. However, when I do see him. I'm rather happy to be with him. He's smart, and funny, and affectionate, and laid back ---- way back, and hot. OK, to be fair he's probably the hottest guy I've ever dated. In fact, he is so hot, that more than once in a while, I feel like maybe I'm not really hot enough to be dating this man.

Nonetheless, that is exactly what I am doing. I am dating this man. I don't think he's my boyfriend, but we are more than fuck friends. We go out for dinner, walks downtown, rent movies and have sleep overs. But I see him only once or twice a week.

For now I am trying to be OK with this arrangement. I am not sleeping with anyone else, nor is he. I'm not sure if I can be this casual over the long term. But I'm willing to hang in there at least until the new year... maybe he will as well...

A Break

This weekend I took a much needed break from my whirl-wind dating schedule to take a road trip back to my hometown.

The Wednesday before my schedule Saturday morning departure, my aunt called me. She called for two reasons, one to provide a quick heads-up (something we often do for one another) and to ask a BIG favour.

The heads-up – my mother was going to be there for the weekend as well.

The BIG favour – She wanted me to drive her back to the airport since it is located in the city in which I reside.

To say that I was unhappy with both pieces of information is more than a wee bit of an understatement. I haven’t gone into too much detail about my mother and my lack of relationship with her but I knew it couldn’t be fully avoided.

Ok. My mother is a child hiding in a 50 something body. She is a whinny, easily influenced, victim. There is always – A- L-W-A-Y-S – drama in her life. Yet amazingly it is never her fault. At the best of times I want to scream at her. At the worst of times, well, let’s just say none of it is good.

I hang up the phone on Wednesday night wondering if there is anything I can do to get out of this nightmare weekend. I quickly realize that it is beyond my control and I am just going to have to go and suck it up.

So I do. I go. Take one for the preverbal family team. At one point, I actually went for an extra run just to get away from them all for 40 minuets. Have I ever shared with you my distain for the running? Apparently it is not as much as my distain for my mother.

My hometown is approximately 250 km away from where I currently live. The way I drive it takes about two hours. Well on this particular return trip the traffic was heavy and it was raining cats and dogs. My usual two hour trip turned into a four hour drive from hell. By the third hour of capture, my mother's mere existence in the same space as mine with killing me and it was all I could do from not opening the passenger door and rolling her right on out!

Four hours and fifteen minuets later we reach the airport. That god the kiss and fly is crazy busy and I double park, pop the trunk and give her an awkward hug before jumping back in the car.

So is there a point to this story?

I’m not really sure. What I know is that I am a 30 year old woman who no relationship with either of her parents. I am sure that has shaped me in ways that I have yet to understand. I these two people and their lack of a role in my life have played a big part in shaping who I am today – both the good and the bad.

My need for control, my lack of acceptance for anyone who I perceive as weak, even my in ability to committee to furniture, I am sure it all has something to do with them. On the flip side, it has made me strong, independent, and secure in my ability to take care of myself. I know that beyond a show of a doubt that I can take care of myself, I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember.

Some day, I just hope I can let someone else take care of me.

Mixed Emotions – What Else is New?

Last night the Ex was at my house for dinner. Don’t ask. I know it is bad. But nonetheless, it just is.

So, the Ex told me he met a woman. He had sex with said woman. He exchanges both telephone numbers and email addresses with said woman. He told me she looks a bit like Drew Barrymore.

Is it possible to be sad, happy, relieved, and want to vomit all at the same time? The definitive answer is yes. Yes you can and I was and am.

Just another step in the process.

Goodbye & Good Luck

I didn’t expect that he would be thrilled to get the brush off. However, I didn’t really expect the hostility either. The Printer is history. Wow, another one bites the dust.

Is this just further proof that I pick the wrong men? Is this further proof I am boy crazy? Maybe my friend CG is right. In CG’s words the Printer never had a chance. He was my ball of yarn and would only serve as some mild amusement for a short period of time. Four weeks to be exact. Is that a short period of time? These days four weeks seems like forever when it comes to men in my life.

Off to a singles event on Thursday, maybe it will be fruitful. If not, I do have something (ok someone) on the back burner.

Stay tuned.